Sick Day

 "Bye, honey," my husband said this morning before heading off to work. "Have a good day. And don't feel guilty."

Ah, he knows me so well.

Guilt was exactly what I was feeling as I sat on my bed, still dressed in my pajamas. After spending the entire previous day experiencing the side effects of my Covid-19 vaccination--chills, a dull headache, and fatigue that had urged me to go to bed at 6:30 p.m.-- I had made the decision to put in for a sub and stay home today. I had awakened feeling better, although the fatigue still lingered. The moment I woke up, I checked to make sure I actually had a sub, figuring I could go in if I had to. I was relieved to see a sub had accepted the job. Relieved but guilt-ridden.

I'm not really sure why I'm feeling guilty. I have only missed one day this year, a personal day taken to attend the virtual parents' weekend for my son's college. And what am I spending my day off doing? Working. My district has mandated that we hold interventions in the afternoon after the kids go home at 12:45, so I am busy today planning for my reading group that begins tomorrow. Later on, I am sure I will begin working on lesson plans for next week. So, really, what is there to feel guilty about? I may be home, but the work continues.

This is the way I have always been, though. I remember one time in high school I was sick and I asked my mom if I should stay home. She told me it was up to me. Not the answer I was looking for. I needed permission from someone else, someone older and more responsible, to stay home. I needed someone to tell me I was making the right decision. I realize I still do. Last night I turned to my husband for reassurance that it was okay to stay home, okay to put me first and take care of myself.

Why do I need reassurance that taking a sick day is not some sort of mortal sin? Is it the result of a heightened sense of responsibility? Do I believe that my presence is so vital that I'm letting others down if I don't show up? And why does that reassurance do nothing to assuage the guilt?

I suspect that there are many women, perhaps mothers especially, who can relate. We feel it is our responsibility to show up no matter what. Others are depending on us. Being responsible and dependable are certainly admirable traits. This mindset, however, often comes at a great expense to ourselves. Yes, there is great satisfaction in giving to others. But we need to be able to step back every once in a while, take a moment to ourselves to nurture and refuel ourselves, and to do it without guilt.

I know that tomorrow I will be back at it full force. I will have both the energy and the patience that is needed to deal with 20 third graders (one in particular) all day, all because I took time to take care of myself. That sounds like a win-win situation to me, something to be applauded, not something to feel guilty about.