Friday Tired

I'm tired.

This isn't an unusual thing for a Friday. By the end of the week, I generally feel like I'm limping to the finish line. If it's been a particularly bad week, I'm crawling. Today, though, it's more than just the end-of-the-week tired. It's more like I've-had-enough-of-this-past-year tired.

And honestly, who isn't? I think we have all had enough of this past year. It has been mentally and emotionally exhausting. If I hear the words "flexible" or "self-care" one more time, I'm pretty sure I'm going to explode. "Flexible" has been overused for years whenever someone wants you to do something no one in their right minds would want to do, but they don't want hear any complaints. And we all know that "self-care" really means "take care of yourself because we have no intention of doing anything to make your life easier."

Take my district's latest move for an example. Rumor has it that they are planning on moving us to a normal schedule (all students, all day, five days a week) after our spring break. Okay, I get it. There's a lot of pressure to make sure that kids are back at school and since the powers that be have decided that standardized testing is an absolute must in this year that has been anything but standard, we need to have more time to sit them in front of computers to take nonsensical tests. But we just changed our schedule in the last few weeks to all students, five days a week, for four hours a day. That leaves us with two hours left of our contract time after the kids go home. Rather than acknowledge all the hard work and the stress of this near-impossible year (we started with distance learning and moved to hybrid - 1/2 class in the morning, 1/2 class in the afternoon - before changing to our current schedule) and allowing us this time to plan and prepare for the upcoming change I am convinced they knew was coming, our administrators demanded that we hold interventions for struggling students. It's not that I mind helping my students. I actually enjoy the opportunity to work with them in small groups. The frustration stems from the fact that after all the planning, all the inconvenience to students and parents to have them either return to school or hop on Zoom each afternoon, we will end up doing it for just two to three weeks before the new change in schedule.

Why? Do they not understand what effect all of this has on their staff? Or do they simply not care?

Don't get me wrong. I know that there are teachers out there who have it way worse than I do. I cringe in horror anytime I read about teachers who are instructing in person and over Zoom at the same time. That would have thrown me over the edge for sure.

I realize that this is sounding an awful lot like a rant, and if you read my blog on the first day of the Challenge this year, you may be wondering, "Where's the gratitude?" It's a fair point. Not too long ago, a family member chastised me for expressing my fear of being in a room all day with people outside my household and the constant stress that the situation presented. I was told I should be thankful I had a job because there were mothers wondering how they were going to feed their children. 

Of course I was grateful that my husband and I both had jobs. I can't even imagine the amount of stress that some families have had to endure over the last year. But does that invalidate my feelings of apprehension? Does practicing gratitude mean you never experience any other emotion?

I don't believe that to be the case. No matter how grateful you are for the blessings in your life and how often you express that gratitude, there are still going to be situations and circumstances that are going to prove trying. Things could be always be worse than what you're  experiencing. But would you really think to say to someone who has, say, lost a limb, "Well, just be thankful you didn't lose two." I don't think so. And if you would, you might want to avoid talking in those types of situations. 

My point is this: you can be grateful for what you have and still recognize what is wrong in your life and in the world. I do believe it is possible to hold two feelings, even conflicting ones, at the same time. We can see all that is good in the world and still recognize what remains to be improved. My feeling nervous being in a classroom and possibly getting a serious illness as a result did not negate my gratitude for still being employed. Gratitude does not eliminate negative emotions nor does it shield us from the stress and sorrows of living, it simply gives us the strength to endure the burdens that life sometimes bestows upon us.